I am Changing my Name.
This Summer I am getting married.
I believe in the energy behind a name, so changing it is not something I take lightly.
I honestly have no idea if I will be changing my last name or not when I get married. You see, I am pretty attached to my last name. It was one I picked for myself post-divorce back in 2002.
I had no interest in keeping my married name, since I knew a new Mrs. was right behind me, literally. And going back to my maiden name felt like putting on an old sweater that I used to love, but no longer was my style and it fit too tightly to get on over my head.
So, one day I curled up in my local Third Place Books with a bunch of name books beside me looking at names, the meanings and the origins. As I searched, nothing felt quite right until I came upon IT. I knew it was perfect for who I was, what I most needed to call in and where I was going.
The name I chose meant "Dark Warrior".
And, not dark as in evil, but dark as in the Earth. It felt grounded. It felt like putting on a sweater I adored, that felt luxurious and fit me perfectly. It felt right.
So, you can see I take the energy of a name seriously.
When I began this journey as an entrepreneur, a lady boss, a magic maker and soul talker, I longed to use my name as my brand and my business. Yet, it was already taken. So was Nicole Marie (my first and middle name), which I now use for business related things. I made the decision to use my middle name, in place of a last name, to create less confusion if I decided to take my partner's name someday when we got married.
Unable to use my actual name forced me to choose a business name that came as close as possible to capturing who I was and what I do.
Thus, Create with Soul was born in September 2014.
Over the years, I have always considered myself a pretty deep and evolved woman.
I used to make reference to onions as the visual of peeling back our layers as we grow more fully into who we are. I found there were many tears along my journey of growth that made the reference to the onion feel true. Growth hasn't always been easy for me, and it certainly lead to more layers and more tears.
And yet, at some point over the past year, I chose to make growth less painful. I stopped seeing myself as broken, needing someone else to show me the way to wholeness. I began to invite more ease into my life and constantly asked the Universe to show me and bring me lessons in an easy and light-hearted way.
This shifted how I felt about myself and my clients.
Now I refer to growth and the layers we work through as a rose bud that essentially knows how to open, how to flourish and how to shine if only it allows itself the permission to just let go.
Each layer we unfold allows us to step more fully into ourselves and share more of who we are with the World.
How would it feel to stop searching? To stop striving? To stop reaching?
Each year, I reflect back on how much I have grown and how much deeper and richer my life feels. And just when I think I can't possibly dive any deeper, another petal opens for me to discover even more beauty in my life.
My trick to allowing ease into your evolution is to begin to trust yourself and your inner voice first. Many of us, including me, had our intuition broken and we learned to mistrust ourselves along the way.
There are tools I have learned to use over the years that allow me to check in with another source, without having to use other people as a sounding board. This helps so that my feelings aren't swayed by others' stories, attachments and energy. This is a significant part of my work with women now.
I fully believe we are all divinely perfect and you certainly don't need me to get where you are going. Though I know that my being able to hold space for your journey, to reflect back the stories you tell that keep you stuck, and to feel energetically where you are stuck, will propel you forward faster and clearer than embarking on this journey alone.
The biggest aha moment I can share with you around allowing the evolution of my life to happen has been to be vigilant about paying attention to how everything in my life feels. Everything that happens is information for us to turn away from the things that make us feel horrible or to move closer and lean into the things that feel divine to us.
Often times over the years, I found myself negotiating with my internal self about why I couldn't say no to things, why I needed to force myself forward when things didn't feel good for fear of failure, disappointing clients, or often people I didn't even know looking at me like I was lazy, selfish and a myriad of other things.
All of that pushing. All of that forcing. All of that fear. It all kept me from allowing. Surrendering. And most of the time it had very little impact on others and had a deep impact on me and listening to myself and my Soul.
There is a section from a favorite poem of mine, called the Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. The impactful part that took me a very long time to understand is this:
"It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy."
So, I ask you, can you start listening to your inner voice more to stop betraying your own soul?
By learning to trust my inner voice, it has led me many, many places in the last few years that I had no idea I would go.
This voice led me to a retreat in 2015, that led me to connect with a true soul sister there, that led us to leading a retreat in Paris (my very first trip internationally since I was 2 years old, LONG OVERDUE ), less than a year later, that led me back to being able to see how far I had come in cultivating a life of my own choosing and how fucking good it feels to stand in my truth now more than ever before.
This past September, right before my trip to Paris, we moved onto 5 acres of land, into a beautiful home that I had been working to manifest for many months. We now live rent-free in exchange for me taking care of the flock of chickens and ducks and the land we live on, while also managing the strawbale home that is an AirBNB (if you ever come to Whidbey Island, be sure to come stay on the Farm with me!). It is truly a dream come true for me. It had been 6 years since I had lived on land, grown my own food and had farm animals to care for, and I missed it dearly.
Thus, returning from Paris and working to find my groove between Create with Soul and the farm was a blessing and a challenge to find the places where the work merged and met each other.
I began getting divine downloads soon after I was back: Stand barefoot on the Earth. Listen and tune your ears to the deeper cycle of life unfolding around you. Tend the Earth with care. Follow the call. Keep going deeper. And keep sharing more of who you are in and out of your business (since I firmly believe you can be spiritual and also swear up a storm, that needed to be woven into my business world, because what's the point if you can't be completely authentic?).
I realized that when I began this journey, I had no idea where exactly it would lead me. I knew it would build on my years as a midwife. I knew reframing my life from "doing first" to "feeling first" was changing everything for me. I had no idea how much of my Shamanic training would be woven into the journey. I didn't realize how my own work with the Seasons, that began back in 2000, would show up in how I shared this work with women.
Upon these downloads and realizations, I felt into the name of my business. It felt very airy and those that know me, know I am not an air creature. I am Earth, through and through. A double Earth sign. I need to be surrounded by nature to be Spiritually fed. My work is all about the Earth. It is all about Soul, discovering and following the call. Then it becomes about sharing your own unique Medicine with the world, that only you can do when you are grounded, standing in your truth and honoring your own innate gifts.
So....a re-brand is coming. The name change is happening. The energy is shifting.
I hope you are as excited as I am for the evolution that is unfolding as I write...
All love. All Soul.